just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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