how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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