I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
