By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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