he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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