Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
