she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
