God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
