I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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