someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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