And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
