apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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