I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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