they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
how drunk are you?
Several
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
