Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
