I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
