Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
