Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i now understand why vodka
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
