he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
