FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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