My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
