I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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