I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
