Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
