i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
