You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us