I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I FOUND THE LEGS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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