My first STD was from a foam party
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
