if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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