I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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