Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
