that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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