my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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