I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
