i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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