dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
