Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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