The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
