Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong