Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.