I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize