alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
