Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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