its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
