i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
