so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
