Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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