I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize