He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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