what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
