She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
