How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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