i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
