just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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