went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
