he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You ruined the universe
Randomize
