Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
