I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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