Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
